I’ve let myself get a little depressed over the last couple of days and now I’m struggling to write any posts on my blog. I have quite a few outstanding reviews and I’ve been trying to write them with a positive spin and it’s exhausting. Last night, my Christmas Movie’s post was pathetic and ten days late. I should have been able to write more about each one individually.
I’m not much for answering the phone or for responding to e-mail, all I want to do is go back to bed. My husband can tell that I’m falling into depression and asked me to get up today. I’m up but it’s not helping. I feel like I could just sleep it off but I know that’s not the right thing to do.
I miss my huge family that is in Texas. I love going from house to house and party to party during the holidays and up here in Washington we don’t go anywhere. It’s not like I’m exactly in a partying position anyways since I’m still in recover and have to be extremely careful. But I still miss all of my family.
When I’m in Texas Christmas is usually a party at my aunts for my stepmoms side of the family. Christmas at my dads house where it’s just the immediate family. We eat a meal at my grandmother’s house and she told me this year she’s not going to cook (means she’s getting old and that makes me sad). Then I visit my mom’s moms house the Saturday after Christmas. My mom lives in Florida so I hardly ever spend Christmas with her. Traveling with kids from Washington to Florida is just a nightmare to me.
I really wanted to spend Christmas in Texas this year but it just didn’t work out. It hardly ever seems to.
My biggest problem right now though if I was honest with myself is that I can’t hold my kids. I want to pick them up. I want to cuddle with them and I want to play with them. We have had family come in and help out with the kids during my recovery and it’s killing me. I’m the mommy, they are my kids. I want to be the center of their world and I’m not anymore. They don’t even want me anymore. It’s been two weeks and I have four more to go before I can really pick them up because they weigh so much. They don’t come to me.
I think my son is mad at me, he’s 21 months and seems to be taking it personally. I know they’ll get over it when I’m better but my “now” factor is totally succumbed to depression and feeling of abandonment. I always do this after large things that happen in my life. I just don’t want to go back on the anti-depression medications.
So I guess my countdown begins, four more weeks and I’ll be happy.
Of course, I know I should just concentrate on the positives in my life. I have plenty of them.