I’ve let myself get a little depressed over the last couple of days and now I’m struggling to write any posts on my blog. I have quite a few outstanding reviews and I’ve been trying to write them with a positive spin and it’s exhausting. Last night, my Christmas Movie’s post was pathetic and ten days late. I should have been able to write more about each one individually.
I’m not much for answering the phone or for responding to e-mail, all I want to do is go back to bed. My husband can tell that I’m falling into depression and asked me to get up today. I’m up but it’s not helping. I feel like I could just sleep it off but I know that’s not the right thing to do.
I miss my huge family that is in Texas. I love going from house to house and party to party during the holidays and up here in Washington we don’t go anywhere. It’s not like I’m exactly in a partying position anyways since I’m still in recover and have to be extremely careful. But I still miss all of my family.
When I’m in Texas Christmas is usually a party at my aunts for my stepmoms side of the family. Christmas at my dads house where it’s just the immediate family. We eat a meal at my grandmother’s house and she told me this year she’s not going to cook (means she’s getting old and that makes me sad). Then I visit my mom’s moms house the Saturday after Christmas. My mom lives in Florida so I hardly ever spend Christmas with her. Traveling with kids from Washington to Florida is just a nightmare to me.
I really wanted to spend Christmas in Texas this year but it just didn’t work out. It hardly ever seems to.
My biggest problem right now though if I was honest with myself is that I can’t hold my kids. I want to pick them up. I want to cuddle with them and I want to play with them. We have had family come in and help out with the kids during my recovery and it’s killing me. I’m the mommy, they are my kids. I want to be the center of their world and I’m not anymore. They don’t even want me anymore. It’s been two weeks and I have four more to go before I can really pick them up because they weigh so much. They don’t come to me.
I think my son is mad at me, he’s 21 months and seems to be taking it personally. I know they’ll get over it when I’m better but my “now” factor is totally succumbed to depression and feeling of abandonment. I always do this after large things that happen in my life. I just don’t want to go back on the anti-depression medications.
So I guess my countdown begins, four more weeks and I’ll be happy.
Of course, I know I should just concentrate on the positives in my life. I have plenty of them.
About Momstart
*hugs*
Wish I could give you a big hug!
The best advice I was given was that it *does* get better. It’s tough to hear now but at least you do know there is light at the end of the tunnel. It really does get better. Also, you know you do have a lot to be thankful for. Watch the news then look at the kids. Bed is a great place but so it the world outside. You got to be in it. Loads of people want you to be. *hugs*
I understand depression, so with all that is going on for you I totally get that you would be feeling very low.
The thought of not being able to hug my 4 y/o daughter or play with her is too much let alone having to live it as you are having to.
It seems you are resting up, though and I’m glad to know that. Hang in there. We’re all hanging in there with you. I know another four weeks seems a long time when you’re out of action.
Christine
*big hug*
I understand how you feel. I had a hysterectomy when I was 29, just before Christmas–my youngest was then 4 (and the boys were 7 and 11).
It was mentally more difficult than the actual physical pain.
Hormones get out of whack, too.
I hope you’re getting enough sunlight while you are recovering. Probably hard since Washington is kind of a cloudy state. Some of the depression may be more of just not being able to get outside, but of course a bigger part is missing your children in your own arms.
Let us count down with you, if you want us to.
Only four more weeks.
I am sorry you are feeling down. Your children are young and its tough for them to understand. But they aren’t mad at you. They are just mad at the situation. They still love their momma
It’s really tough not seeing family at Christmas – this year I can certainly relate with your feelings! You sound like a wonderful mommy, and I have no doubt that your children know their mommy still loves them very much.
If you need a little medication to help get over the depression, by all means use it. There is nothing wrong with that. When things get out of whack with our bodies, it is something we often need help with. But the main thing is remember you are a great mommy with great love for your children and you are a great blogger with many readers! You are also human and all the emotions you are feeling are very human and you will find lots of others who could tell you they felt just like you do at some time in their lives.
*HUGS*